Stop Looking For Perfect People.
When Karen and I moved houses recently, I found an old photograph I hadn’t seen in ages. It was a group shot of several church people we’d been close with many years ago. Looking at the picture made me realize how much times have changed. Not just because of the outdated fashions, but because of how some of the lives represented there have gone.
Some people have strayed from their faith for one reason or another. Others fell out of sorts with each other. It’s a fact of life: Anyone who has been married for any length of time knows that the honeymoon doesn’t last forever. Eventually, you realize your spouse isn’t quite as perfect as you thought. And coming to that awareness brings about a second really important discovery—that you’re not quite as perfect as you thought you were. After all, if you were, their imperfections wouldn’t bug you so much, right?
The same is true for other close friendships. The fact is, even the strongest and richest of relationships are going to be tested over time because we all make mistakes and let people down. Sometimes we do it accidentally, and sometimes we do it intentionally. Sometimes we expect more from people than is reasonable. Either way, at some stage, we will be left with a gap between what we hoped for and what is. And something is going to fill this space. Real relationships face testing because they are constantly growing and changing.
I am not the same guy I was when I married Karen. She has changed through the years, too. Like all long-married couples, we have had to learn to adapt to the new person. The same is true for longtime friends. When I started in ministry, I was way more conservative than I am now. Not in terms of what I believe about the gospel and people’s need for a Savior. More in terms of what that might look like in everyday life. I became a Christian through the old holiness movement and focused on doing the right thing. I still believe that how we live is important, but I have also concluded that we must be careful about making judgments based on external appearances alone. It’s about the fruits rather than the “fronts” that people project. That’s what matters.
One time I got to talk with an elderly man who had been an influential leader in the holiness movement during the 1940s. I asked him what he thought about the difference between now and then, between the days when we preached more fire and brimstone, and now, when we’re more focused on being seeker-sensitive.
“Well, back in my day, we got fewer people into heaven, but they were more cleaned-up and better looking,” he told me. “These days, it seems folks aren’t as concerned about sanctification and holiness as we were. They are about getting more people into heaven in less perfect shape. I think I prefer the latter.”
If you want to succeed in relating to others, you will have to recalibrate your need to only relate to perfect people. You are not perfect. Everyone else is imperfect. Get over it, and let’s work together in harmonious imperfection!
Excerpted from my book: Dealing With Difficult People.
Thank you for reading. Please forward this to a friend or two. :-)